My brother Crazy Eddie: “Little sister, gotta jettison. Binks is calling and I’m late for Turtle 5.”
Means: “Hello, older brother. Sorry to cut our conversation short but I have to go. My daughter needs my attention and I don’t want to be tardy for my job playing Crush the Turtle for Walt Disney World.”
Really Means: “I’m sober and my brain is still short-circuiting.”
My wife Lala: “The guy said we need a northern and I told him we tried Navajo but he said the place I got it doesn’t mix well.”
Means: “I’m desperately trying to find the perfect shade of white paint for my art studio.”
Really Means: “Why did I have to marry a colorblind idiot?”
Student #1: “Got a LAN meeting then I plan to throw myself full on into DDR.”
Means: “I’m attending a Local Area Network computer club meeting then I want to go home and dance on a little mat alone in front of a large screen television.”
Really Means: “Please help me, Jesus. I desperately need a girlfriend.”
My five-year-old son London: “Methinks I need to go to the bathroom, methinks.”
Means: “I just learned how knights speak and I want to try it out nonstop for the next twelve hours.”
Really Means: “It’s fun to say things that make my parents freak out.”
Student #2: “Blah blah blah Bible something blah.”
Means: “My teacher is asking me about biblical references that I immediately forgot after I learned them in ninth grade. At least I answered.”
Really Means: “Can school be any more boring?”
London: “I’m on a water diet.”
Means: “I will not eat anything you put in front of me today.”
Really Means: “Can I still get ice cream?”
Bumper Sticker: Jesus Spits on Hummers
Means: It’s Quite Clever of Me to Offend The Filthy Rich and Christians in One Sentence
Really Means: I’ll Never Finish My Novel
Fellow Teacher: “Even though we require an IEP in hand, SPED is in flux.”
Means: “Even though we still need an Individual Education Plan for us to proceed with testing into the Gifted Program, Special Education is always changing so there are no guarantees.”
Really Means: “I’m too fucking tired for this shit.”
Student #3: “I’ve always struggled with the issue of time.”
Means: “I waited until the very last minute on this essay.”
Really Means: “My parents have indulged me since I was a toddler and now I’m a monster (and my own worst enemy).”
My ten-year-old daughter Poppy: “Dad, isn’t that poochie-woochie so precious?”
Means: “I really need a dog and my animal-hating parents will never get me one.”
Really Means: “I’ll never, ever give up, you’ll see.”
Me: “Can you give me just five minutes? I’ve been running around for twelve hours nonstop.”
Means: “Calgon, take me away!”
Really Means: “I’ll settle for a beer and Survivor.”